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| Blogs > AZBellaNPooky > My Blog |
Living The Dream - Exploring Polyamory and Non-monogamy
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Living The Dream - Exploring Polyamory and Non-monogamy It wasn’t so long ago that I put into words that I require a minimum of three female sexual partners in my inner circle in order to feel satisfied. In the height of my swinging days it wasn’t uncommon for me to fuck or get fucked by at least two people a day, and often at the same time.  I used to challenge my time management skills and push the limits of my risk-taking events. My favorite sexual activities were getting together with a married couple yet I would always be in pursuit of an attractive, educated single female or two that could teach me a new thing or three about pleasing a woman. One of my favorite experiences was with an experienced female submissive. Not just any submissive, but a SERVICE submissive. She explained that she has been trained to give pleasure to her Dom and His friends and does not expect to be pleasured in return. She explained that is was a cerebral high for her and she obtained her reward that way. After I obtained direct permission from her Dom to take her out, I quickly found her in my presence without wearing a stitch of clothing, doing everything in her power to make me cum on our first date. She begged me to fuck her but I showed restraint as her Daddy wasn’t available by phone in order to give us permission. Alas, I found that while being a versatile pansexual being was fun, I had found comfort in the submissive bottom role. I also found that I really needed some guidance about dominating women. I realized that I needed a mentor. I often wondered how I could have such a need. Dominates were always so clear with me. I knew what to expect, I knew my place, I knew how to satisfy my Dom, I always knew what they needed or how to get into trouble if I felt I needed a little extra punishment or<b> humiliation </font></b>during our sessions. I always knew when to be a sex object or simply a servant myself yet I had trouble with my desires to do this with women. Oh sure, I could TOP a woman with ease, but whenever she was feeling safe and ready and asked me to DOMINATE her… my heart would freeze. My lack of experience and confidence emerged and I wondered how on earth I could ever achieve my ultimate goal of being a Dom to three different women in all the ways I desired. I wanted to consider and collar a woman new to The Lifestyle, I wanted to train her, and I wanted to own her. I wanted to teach her to serve me the way that always fantasize about. I also wanted to have a pet and a plaything for the both of us. I spent a few years courting new women and explaining my desires to them. Generally my desires were well accepted but as time went on, I found myself disappointed for a number of reasons. It seemed that I would never find someone with the proper foundation in which to build upon my ultimate fantasy desire. I came to settling upon the thought that I would be a plaything - a temporary active figure in the lives of the women I played with… our sex lives often lasting less than a year. I went back to crossdressing for couples and select men with the hope that I would gain experience from those who are excellent at Bondage Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism. I read blogs, read books, joined local BDSM communities, went to fetish events, play parties and functions to figure out how normal, classy, functional households entertain and live in non-monogamous and polyamorous styles, maintain healthy stability, communicate and execute their fantasies. I would dress up for both men and women in order to have intense playtime with them. It was easy for me to entertain and please a man. Some would be more challenging than others, and those who challenged me were often more intelligent and more fun to play with. Cuckold couples were also fun, especially when the woman was an upscale hot wife. It was fun to see her mentally have her boyfriend by the balls. I have read countless accounts about the proper way to dominate a woman. I have watched thousands of examples on kink.com. I have witnessed a man dominating a woman in person. I have researched the best tools and toys available and purchased many of them. I have joined lifestyle groups and clubs, participated in coffees, munches and play parties. I have participated in dozens of fetish events. I belong to dozens of BDSM related websites. I have been dominated for years myself. I have interviewed women and learned of their hard and soft limits and learned how to plan, execute, and interact with a submissive on a cerebral level. With all this education and experience I think I should have the knowledge to be an expert at female domination. To analogize, I think about the process like I’ve decided I need to build a home. I’ve read countless books about how to construct a wall, do electrical work, plumbing and do sheetrock. I've ready about how to determine load requirements, select a lot, and build a foundation. I’ve watched countless shows on HGTV and TLC about construction of homes. I’ve visited construction sites and examined various construction methods and techniques. I’ve interviewed architects, builders, construction foremen and contractors. I’ve talked with city officials about how to pull a permit, when to call for inspection, and when to pay fees and taxes. I’ve talked with suppliers about the best materials to use and when to have them delivered. I’ve acquired all of the necessary blueprints and researched all methods to begin construction, and even have selected and purchased my lot. Despite all my planning I seem to only have vague knowledge about beginning without realizing that there are more things I need to learn. I need to gain further experience. I need to avoid pitfalls that could cause violations of local code, local zoning laws, variance permits, noise concerns, problems with neighbors, time and financial constraints, faulty materials and other things that happen based upon the assumption that it was already thought about when the plans were ratified. How do I build the palace of my fantasies when I continuously run into pitfalls of stopgaps? How do I know what I don’t know??? There is so much responsibility placed upon the Dominant. At what point do we realize that we are all human and therefore fallible to the errors that such being are thus capable? Back to speaking directly about the issue at hand. How can I call myself a switch or a Dom when it’s clear that to me - dominance doesn’t come naturally! I strongly admire those who can dominate a woman with ease and finesse. He physically subdues her, pulls her into a web of submission, entraps her in eroticism, binding and suspending her with chain, rope, clamps, pipe, and furniture. He subjects her fucking machines, clothes pins, floggers, canes, vibrators, cocks, fists, plugs, and single tails. He impassions her with his calm and soothing voice. He communicates with her constantly, never taking his eyes and ears from her. He plays her like a musical instrument, sending her mind into a dreamy state of brain chemicals and resting her in a state of bliss and devotion. She becomes His and eternally wants more. There is so much to achieve. I realized that I have the potential to be an extremely gifted dominate. A dominate with revere and respect in the lifestyle community. I realized to get from where I was when I started to where I want to be is to give up everything that I think I know. I stopped looking for people who had the potential to fit into a certain role. I went back to strengthening my vanilla life. Then I fixed everything that was wrong with my life on thing at a time. I ended all dysfunctional relationships. I started and finished legal battles. I corrected my financial issues and started living free of debt. I switched to an employer that offered upward mobility. I moved to a new home. I joined a fitness club and got healthy. I started eating clean. I realized that in order to take responsibility for others, I needed to take responsibility for myself. I also fell in love. I fell in love with a single person. A woman that I have known and loved since we were six years old. I stopped looking for everything and everyone else. I wanted her. I wanted all of her. I wanted to take responsibility for her. I wanted to be her everything and she mine. We communicated constantly, even when physically apart. I told her everything of me. I informed her of my previous quests. I gestured to her that I identified as polyamorous, identified as pansexual, even that I was a crossdresser. She was delighted! She had desired the exact person that I am and accepted everything about me. As this point she had me all to herself. She explained that she hoped that one day she would never have to share me with others. It’s been years since we were reunited and fell in love. I will report that we are engaged to be married and that we have not taken other lovers. I now identify as mostly monogamous we each have a confidant and sometimes we play with others at events – but together. She gives me everything that I need… everything that I once thought I would need others for. She loves me unconditionally. She protects my heart and my heath. She helps me reach my goals. She helps identify areas where I need to grow and helps me get there. We grow sexually and I must admit that her libido is a challenge for me to meet – this is very much welcome. I have collared her in many ways. She is a true submissive. Despite her extreme libido, she waits in every way for me to initiate. Initiate touch. Initiate kissing and foreplay. Initiate bondage and submission. Initiate dressing her in lingerie. Initiate sex and penetration. Initiate aftercare. The response in her body when I touch her is instantaneous and intense passion. It matters not my state of mind when I first touch her… her passion washes over me like a waterfall. I cannot help but to expose her to my deepest desires in the following moments. We’ll be hot and heavy in the entertainment room and on a rare occasion she’ll utter “Please, dominate me”. The words no longer bring terror to my heart as they once did. I can and do physically subdue her. I may bind her in collars and cuffs, chain her to a surface or tie her above one. The experience and the confidence has come. This is a gift that is given by her love and her devotion to me. I desire her even more deeply every time she chooses me. She gives all of herself to me and I give all of myself back. I give her everything I have the ability to give and I understand within the depths of my heart that she deserves no less. Indeed as time progresses I shall give her more. She confides in me that she still worries that I’ll need more than her. That she will “have” to share me with another in some way, shape or form… be that physically, or emotionally. I’ve long let go of the desire or need to have others in my life. I feel so complete with the love in my life now. Our foundation is the strongest I’ve felt in my life. She will never “have” to share me physically or emotionally with another. The emotional is very important to the definition of “Us”. The physical is a further extension. When we play with others, it is a joint decision. It’s something we do together. It’s fun. It’s passage of time. It’s not about filling a void or a need. It’s our own growth. It’s an exercise that is all about Us. |
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