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| Blogs > Mikemike107015 > Thoughts deep and shallow |
I must soldier on
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I must soldier on For various reasons this time of year brings me I'll feelings. I find that the last few have been especially difficult as I also contend with feeling alone. I not alone though. I have my two sons living with me. They are great young men and quite honestly proud of the fact that I was able to raise two young men who have grown into honest decent human beings. I also have a loving and supportive family. Although my mother is gone I still have my father. Dad has given me nothing but love and respect my whole life and I am so fortunate to still have him. I also have three loving sisters who watch out for me and will fight to death for me. Lastly, I have a brother who happens to be the wisest man I know. He has a knack for keeping things in perspective and explaining his advice in a way that only he can. so fortunate, and I realize this. So why do I feel so alone? I suppose the loneliness started many ago when I lost my wife. She is still alive but not the same person I shared a huge portion of my life with. About 6 ago she started drinking. This was very bad as she also suffered from mental illness that I dare not diagnose. Nonetheless, it was there. As her drinking consumed her I was left to raise my boys basically alone. She was there but we all had to witness the terrible illness destroy her. I had to be the rock for my boys and it was quite difficult. Eventually the drinking led to drug use. not sure where she was getting the drugs but the symptoms we witnessed made us realize that she had became a victim of the opiod epidemic. It was terrible. She would nod off constantly. By this time my boys were enough and educated enough to recognize what was happening. We confronted her. Many times. But it did us no good. She was in complete denial. As all this was happening we also faced financial issues as she was not working as much as we needed. I owned a small ranch, mortgage free for many . I raised meat goats which didn't bring in much money but kept me busy as I recouperated from a serious spinal injury. After a few we found ourselves in trouble with property taxes. We had to take out a mortgage to get right. As this happened I was forced to go back to a regular job with a steady paycheck and benefits. As long as we both worked we would be fine. We struggled like this for a couple and finally I earned a promotion. Finally...i thought we would be able to be comfortable. Then...the bottom dropped out. Her drug use had continued to worsen. She reached the point where she had some sort of breakdown. She did not move from the couch for three months. She did not even shower. I did everything I could. I cashed out all of my vacation time. I sold several of my possessions. I did all I could to keep us from financial ruin. I begged her to get help. I explained that we would lose everything we have if she didn't get help. I told her I was there for her and would support her to get through it all. I explained if we sold her vehicle that we could buy ourselves a good six months. She would have none of it. We finally had to have her committed for three days against her will. It didn't help. She came home and went back to the couch. And she now resented me. After a couple months I realized that I was nothing more than her enabler. I finally made the decision that we must get divorced. I could not keep sinking emotionally and financially. We auctioned everything we owned. I lost it all. My wife, my farm, all of my happiness. I soldiered on. I had to stay strong for my boys. As I've been the one ever one leans on I began to realize that I don't have anyone to lean on myself. Yes I have my wonderful family but not comfortable giving them all my troubles. I didn't want to be that guy. So I've come to discover that I lonely for a real partner. Someone to share my downs as well as my ups. Someone to just hold me...and tell me I will be ok. As I've been here I've not been searching for anything serious. I feel like I to properly heal before I can take on a real commitment. But it's left me lonely. I became very close with a person here. Beyond my control I found myself opening up and sharing many of my feelings. It was very nice to have someone who seemed to genuinely care. I found this relationship very satisfying. There were no complications of actually being together yet there was a warm feeling that someone truly cared. A true friendship and it was nice. For some reason our friendship has seemed to be going in the wrong direction. It pains me very much. I don't know what happened but the vibe I've been getting lately is one of bitter coldness. I don't know what happened. Maybe I shared too much. Maybe they got sick of listening to my troubles. All I know is that I very much miss the friendship we shared and don't know what I should do at this point. So...in the end I soldier on. Feeling very lonely once again. |
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Peace to all. Mike
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beautiful and sexy
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I feel your pain, life is a bitch, but stay strong, your boys are with you  Can you ask this friend if something has changed? Did she think there would be more to it than just chat, and has cooled of because maybe she feels used as a shoulder to cry on? Lets hope 2019 brings better luck for you x
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i hope the writing of this helped. Sometimes getting it out to strangers does. What a tale you have, and yes you must soldier on for your boys as you have done thus far. Im practicing that myself for my daughter. Im so sorry about your most recent loss, sometimes people arent aware of the impact that they have on others. Have you talked ...asked...and just shared your sense of coldness ? Or maybe just do nothing and have them feel the loss of you too. Relationships are always full of complications....some are minor and can be worked on...others...ughh...just complicated. Good Luck with it all ~~
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12/28/2018 2:32 pm |
I feel your pain and loneliness,its hard when you have to be strong for self when you have yourself to lean on.I had to go though getting my son diagnosis with a mental illness and the stress of past year caught up with me where i had a mild heart attack
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