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| Blogs > wickedeasy > wicked and that ain't so easy |
what's normal?
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what's normal? are you? i think while i was growing up i thought i was normal because my parents seemed to like me just the way i was. that was enough for me to be happy. school was not a very challenging arena for me and i had a handful of friends that when i look back now were probably not the people considered normal. more the outcasts and the creative ones. for a short time in junior high i tried to fit in with the 'norm" but found they didn't much care for me and i didn't much care for them so that was a bust. i always loved to escape into a book and that gave me a way to survive when it became clear that my way was going to get a bit rough during high school. i was pretty and a good athlete, very smart. still had that handful of friends. but for some reason, i was a target for the popular .... there was this guy who'd walk me about halfway home nearly everyday just to make sure i didn't get beat up. he was a greaser. i'd helped his girlfriend get an abortion. he never said anything. just did what he did to keep me safe. in college, it was easier because there were more people who didn't fit and we excited each other with our ideas. what a grand time it was. sitting up all night talking with other people who thought about things in ways that didn't always make perfect sense. but that stretched the boundaries. a friend of mine who has a lovely 5 year old girl wrote this on face book today. "My darling girl, when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue. It rather denotes a lack of courage." and yet, for a little girl...being different is scary. when did you decide it was okay to be you and not what someone else wanted you to be? or are you still fighting that battle? You cannot conceive the many without the one. |
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7/9/2011 10:49 am |
I've never been "normal" I don't believe there is such a thing. Everyone has something about their personality that is not societies ideal of normal. I play role playing games like D&D and computer games (World of Warcraft, etc) and I love a good comic or anime con. In essence I am a GEEK lol. Bravo for accepting who you are and letting your flag fly free and proud! ~FGG
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7/9/2011 4:47 pm |
Normal? I was deathly afraid to not be normal for a very long while. I didn’t know why then…hell back then the question never even surfaced out of the tumultuous ebullition I called thoughts. It wasn’t until much later (years) that I reflected back and wondered what the damn hoopla surrounding the need to fit in everywhere was about. I digress though, I ‘looked’ normal to everybody. At church, in the FFA(Future Farmer of America) group, the Campus Life kids from church, the pot-heads who wore ripped denim jackets and hung out at the school sign behind the ball field, the academics, the bandies (who were cross members from a few of the other groups) and the Jocks. Oh yes, the jocks were the hardest to fit in with because you actually had to be really ‘good’ at something physical to get in and stay in. I lettered on the basketball team and set the school record pole vaulting on the track team to earn my place among them. And as a side note, my mother would roll in her grave if she knew I was affiliated with the 'stoners' and the 'FFA' guys. Considering she's not dead yet, you can imagine the effort it would take for her to pre-dig her plot, drop in a box, open the lid, lay down and roll in it...that's how dramatic it would be for her. She's a 'sister bertha better than you', religious fanatic.(among other things and I might add that my mother-in-law would be rolling right beside her...*smiles*) It was a juggling act but not without its benefits. Let’s just say my life now wouldn’t be what it is without that foundation. I was a chameleon who didn’t find an identity until long after all of my peers. Now that I think back on how it all took place, it is sort of interesting I suppose. Definitely nothing close to ‘normal’ from an outsider’s perspective; but as normal as it gets within each niche. And now that I look back at my school days, there wasn’t a single soul who cross-existed (not during the years I was there and not in my little single ‘A’ school anyway). I know, because I was a part of each group. Then for college, my education wasn’t conventional there either. I was one of the after-work students that did every evening class and as many on-line classes as my curriculum would allow. If I could have done all of them non-resident, I would have. It took me nine years to get a 4 year degree because of all the semesters I had to ‘miss’ due to duty. (some were missed due to pure laziness) I am confident in one thing, though, as it applies to formal education, I learned. In high school, I got the grade by whatever means were available. In college, I learned the subject matter and could comfortably engage in discourse with any of my professors about the subjects assigned. I think that had I been accepted into college right out of high school it would have been an epic fail. I’d have graduated, no doubt. But, sadly, I would have been without an education to back up the diploma; of that I’m pretty sure. It took me a few post-high-school years to develop enough real discipline to stay the course. (any course…if you’ve ever drifted from one to another you’ll know what I mean) I graduated cum laude missing ‘magna’ because of Statistics Class. Even now I’d like to slap her (stats prof) on the top of her balding head. Not hard mind you. Just enough to let her feel my dissatisfaction with the ‘C’ she gave me. Now I’m here. I’ve had a successful military career, successful family (if raising children to be valuable members of society while maintaining a solid relationship qualifies as successful…knowing it isn’t over until I’m dead), a failed personal business and I punch someone else’s clock now. It tugs at me in ways I loathe but builds character in the process. Listen to me ramble. I could have simply said, “Normal? Pfffft!” He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.  ~Friedrich Nietzsche
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7/9/2011 7:56 pm |
still fighting the battle, we... "All you'll get from strangers is surface pleasantry or indifference. Only someone who loves you will criticize you." - Judith Crist, crack film critic
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Interesting question, we. I think "normal" is a continuum and certainly I am normal in that I hold down a traditional job, love my family and friends, etc. But I do feel a little bit "off" from the mainstream sometimes - here is the story I use to illustrate it. I had a profile over on one of those vanilla sites a couple years ago. I was in the initial "getting to know you" stage with a guy and he mentioned that he was looking at my profile and clicked the button that says "See More Like Her" (which brings up a list of similar profiles). He got this message: "There is no one else like smarty. She's one in a million!"  I'm not sure what algorithm I failed, maybe being excessively tall, never married, childless *shrug* Well, and then there's the whole WIIWD thing.   
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I knew at a very young age that I was not "normal". I have done right by it too!
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I also knew when I was young that I was not "normal". But, I didn't want to be like the other kids...I always wanted to be me. But in more ways than not, I was like the other kids...I just didn't do the things they did for "fun"...I never smoked cigarettes to be cool, I didn't cuss and swear to be cool, I didn't abuse other people's property to get noticed...I kept to myself, minded my own business, and didn't want to be like anyone else. I never felt the need to go along with the crowd. Of course, I didn't have a lot of friends...I had 2, but that's all I needed. When did I really like who I had become...it was sometime after I turned 42, I think. I realized I was the person I wanted to be and was always happy being me.
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Similar story WE, retreated into books as a teen and never fully came out of them. Missed out on a lot of that friendly thing in High School. Always seen as quiet and shy, almost non-verbal. I know that is not normal. I was shut down most of my pre-20s by a weird sense of not belonging. Could not find my pack, so to speak. A stint in the Air Force changed a lot of my habits, POV. Had more 'down' time to experience sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll! The false sense of comradery was not enough to keep me there, must less the issues of war and peace! But I fell totally in love with a wild man from Puerto Rico, who had just returned from battle in Vietnam, and still adore him! Just from a big distance. To say that he changed my life, would be a huge understatement. Returned home to re-do college, this time with a heck of a lot more experience and confidence! Felt like someone who was 'in her pack' by opening a book store next to a food coop. That really ripped the 'I'm so different' feeling off my eyes, as I had a gang of people to hang with. Much better than high school. Or even college! That was the peak! Unfortunately. Since then I've tried to stay open, meet people, and yet I feel isolated in my loneliness. Separateness. Now, at 60+, I mourn the loss of close friends to cancer, etc. They were the ones I expected would outlive me. Today, the site is a big part of my life. And the men and women I've met in person here. I do feel different, not normal at all. And yes, I do like that feeling now. It's part of my DNA for sure. I've been as courageous as I can be! Thanks for asking this question today, and sharing about yourself. You should only read what is truly good or what is frankly bad. Gertrude Stein
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I think we ALL want to "fit in". As I've gotten older, I've realized that fitting in is only important if I stay who I am. I choose now to pick the "circle" into which I fit as I am, instead of trying to fit into some other person's circle. bob Peace is my sister. wgf And please...the name is Bob...not clit.  watch [blog clitlick4you]
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Smarty's continum is accurate, just as Lola's story of a life lived in and around the edges (my words, not her's) is equally accurate. Perhaps the edges are not so distinctly defined as a bell-curve would imply? Given that the Black Flirting world is a sub-set of the world's population as a whole, are we a big enough population to be representative? I'd guess yes without doing any fancy statistics (it is, after all almost midnight) SO, WickedEasy, my friend, you are indeed normal! Chas
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7/13/2011 5:52 am |
The 'normal' world has an aversion to ambiguity...and it takes a while for some of us to give ourselves permission to settle into a narrative that befits our molecular structure. 'Mainstream sucks but it's a real gas around the edges! "The only abnormality is the inability to love." Anais Nin
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I've given your post and question a great deal of thought this past week and considered my response. I've never been "Normal" or "Average". Being first born might have had some bearing on living up to high expectations. Being in accelerated academic programs might have had some bearing on being above the norm while I was in school. I don't think I equated being normal with fitting in. I didn't fit in to any specific group when I was in school and I recognized that. At times, some of my classmates surprised me because they unexpectedly would show moments of brilliance, clarity, analysis, and creativity. Thus I learned that I wasn't the smartest kid on the block but I was near the top and could learn from those above me on the intellect ladder. In my profile I stated that I have lived a multifaceted life and that I'm a fortunate person. I've always believed that luck is what happens when opportunity meets preparedness. So I've lived in a continuous state of preparedness and taken advantage of every opportunity that came my way. I've never allowed fear and (often times) convention to stop me. The result has been that as I said yes to so many opportunities, I have experienced both exalting and terrifying moments. Several years ago, I ran across a book called: It Takes so Little to be Above Average. It's a book that encourages an attitude of service but also to encourage people to take the extra step, go the extra mile, spend the extra time to perform and be thought of as "above average". Prior to that book, I had some other favorites; one being "Dress for Success". What I got from that book was to dress for the job that you want and not for the one you have. I applied that idea to my life in general and typically am "over dressed" in the most appropriate way for whatever might come along. (It's the preparedness aspect at work.) I've always thought that if something swims like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...it is a duck or can become a slick imitation of one. When that philosophy is applied to people, if they dress accordingly, act accordingly, think accordingly--they can become a member of whatever group or level of society they want to achieve. I've seen a great number of "gifted" people (especially girls) hide their "giftedness" in their attempts to fit in and to be perceived as non-threatening, normal, and appealing to the opposite sex. When you consider that the people we most admire or aspire to emulate are those who stood out from the crowd, or those who swam against the current, or those who took the road less traveled, or those who developed and finely honed their "giftedness", then we should never encourage being normal, average, or mediocre. I've always thought it was okay to be myself but to always recognize that who I am, what I believe, what I say, or what I do will not always be embraced or appreciated. That sometimes the going gets rough when make your own way through the unknown and into the future. The times when I've felt "less than myself" occurred in my marriages when I allowed aspects of my personality to submerge below the surface to maintain harmony, etc. A.D. (After Divorce) I would find myself recapturing those aspects of what makes me tick that I particularly like. I think of myself as being above average-an exceptional woman. Why flutter in the breeze when we can soar with the wind? Never ignore those who care for you you will have lost diamonds while you were collecting stones
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I don't think I got my "adult badge" until my mid30s when I was so uncomfortable in our suburban enclave. I would marvel at the hours of discussion involving where to get a manicure. Heck, I was lucky to slap a coat of polish on myself and have it stay put between gardening and housework. I remember feeling weird that all my suburban moms were doing lunch and shopping and it wasn't a financial thing at all for not participating, I just found it uninteresting. Then I realized it was just that I was not like them. And I liked it. Before then I would try to "fit in" and blend better... when I liked being different was when I finally realized it was okay, not something to hide.
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we some have always tried to change me and even ate the age of 4 or 5 stood firm lol there is and was never the option to change me...i always had the additude * go f yourself if you do not like me and at this age i feel the same but i will not say go f yourself ....i just now tell people normal is which ever way you are...i like me  and most people ....never belonged to any group in school but always could join in any group...i loved it...still that way ..i fit in anywhere and i love it   []   Seduce my mind and my body
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I was always the nerdy kid that everybody else picked on for being "weird." It really bothered me until I was about 12. I spent about a week at my aunt and uncle's house that summer. Talking with my cousin Joe, who is a year older than I am, I got the best advice anybody ever gave me. He said "If somebody doesn't like you, fuck them. They don't have to look at you in the mirror every morning." Of course, that is easier said than done. But I'd like to think that as I have gotten older (I am about to turn 41 in August), I have more or less followed that.
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