P M S ..... I so remember this ....
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Posted:Oct 4, 2009 3:47 pm
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2009 3:45 pm
8662 Views
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how many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb ???
( the womans answer....lol)
ONE !! AND ONLY ONE !! AND DO YOU KNOW WHY ? BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE IN THIS F**KIN HOUSE KNOWS HOW TO CHANGE A F**KIN LIGHTBULB !!
THEY DONT EVEN KNOW THE F**KIN LIGHTBULB HAS BURNED OUT, THEY WOULD SIT IN THE DARK FOR 3 F**KIN DAYS BEFORE THEY FIGURED IT OUT !!!
AND, ONCE THEY FIGURED IT OUT, THEY WOULDNT EVEN BE ABLE TO FIND THE DAMN LIGHTBULBS, EVEN THO THEY'VE BEEN IN THE SAME PLACE FOR THE PAST 17YR !!
BUT IF THEY DID, BY SOME MIRACLE OF GOD, FIND THEM, 2 DAYS LATER, THE F**KIN CHAIR THEY DRAGGED THROUGH TO STAND ON TO CHANGE THE STUPID LIGHTBULB, WOULD STILL BE IN THE SAME F**KIN SPOT !!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKIN THING CAME IN, CUS NO F**KER EVER PICKS UP, OR TAKES OUT THE RUBBISH !!
ITS A WONDER WE HAVENT ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE f**KIN PILES OF RUBBISH, THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F**KIN HOUSE !! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE !!
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!!!!!
i'm sorry ...
what was the question again...........
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Good Ole American A$$ Whooping
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Posted:Oct 4, 2009 8:53 am
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2009 3:44 pm
8587 Views
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The Budweiser Story (not a joke) This is TRUE! How Budweiser handled those who laughed at those who died on the 11th of September, 2001... Thought you might like to know what happened in a little town north of Bakersfield , California After you finish reading this, please forward this story on to others so that our nation and people around the world will know about those who laughed when they found out about the tragic events in New York , Pennsylvania , and the Pentagon. On September 11th, A Budweiser employee was making a delivery to a convenience store in a California town named McFarland. He knew of the tragedy that had occurred in New York when he entered the business to find the two Arabs, who owned the business, whooping and hollering to show their approval and support of this treacherous attack. The Budweiser employee went to his truck, called his boss and told him of the very upsetting event! He didn't feel he could be in that store with those horrible people. His boss asked him, 'Do you think you could go in there long enough to pull every Budweiser product and item our beverage company sells there? We'll never deliver to them again.' The employee walked in, proceeded to pull every single product his beverage company provided and left with an incredible grin on his face. He told them never to bother to call for a delivery again. Budweiser happens to be the beer of choice for that community. Just letting you know how Kern County handled this situation. And Now The Rest Of The Story: It seems that the Bud driver and the Pepsi man are neighbors. Bud called Pepsi and told him. Pepsi called his boss who told him to pull all Pepsi products as well!!! That would include Frito Lay, etc. Furthermore, word spread and all vendors followed suit! At last report, on June 26, 2009, Fareed Katib closed the store and filed bankruptcy! Good old American Passive-Aggressive A$$ Whoopin! Pass this along, America needs to know that we're all working together! If you can read this. Thank a teacher... If you are reading it in English.... THANK A SOLDIER!!!
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Your First Name Tells who you are
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Posted:Oct 4, 2009 8:50 am
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2009 3:46 pm
9523 Views
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"Your First Name Tells who you are" use your real name not a nick name
A: Best GF/BF any one could have
B: You love a certain someone
C: People cant help but check u out
D: You are really lovable
E: You are great in bed
F: people love you
G: You never let people tell you what to do
H: You have a very good personality and good looks
I: you are easy to fall for
J: People Adore you
K: People can trust you
L: awesome kisser
M: Easy to fall in love with
N: best fuck ever
O: Best kisser ever
P: You are popular with all types of people
Q: You are a hypocrite
R: You love to kiss
S: loud and likes to have fun.
T: Loves music
U: Beautiful
V: You are not judgmental
W: You are popular
X: You never let people tell you what to do
Y: Worth waiting for.
Z: one in a million
*** I came out with being a great fuck two times over ... best fuck ever two times over ... lovable and the best GF anyone could ever have ... I came out so damned accurate *** ROFLMAO!!!
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Confessions of an alter boy ....
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Posted:Oct 4, 2009 8:41 am
Last Updated:May 27, 2024 8:9 am
8487 Views
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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a
loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
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36 Things You Will Never Hear A REDNECK Say .....
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Posted:Sep 12, 2009 7:00 am
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2009 3:53 pm
8517 Views
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36 Things You Will Never Hear A REDNECK Say .....
1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No in the back of the pickup...
it's not safe."
8. "Professional wrasslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that to
Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits
and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart
today."
19. "Trim the fat off that steak."
20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."
21. "The tires on that truck are too big."
22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."
24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
25. "Would you like your fish poached or
broiled?"
26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."
27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super
Bowl."
28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that
we haven't seen."
31. "I don't have a favorite college football
team."
32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the
side."
33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too
long."
34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer,
Darla."
35. "Elvis who?"
36. "Checkmate."
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NAUGHTY APPLICATION .....
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Posted:Sep 8, 2009 10:38 am
Last Updated:May 27, 2024 8:9 am
8241 Views
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NAUGHTY APPLICATION CUT AND PASTE AND REPLY IN A PRIVATE MESSAGE. DON'T BE AFRAID. YOU NEVER KNOW WHO WILL REPLY OR WHAT ANSWERS THEY WILL GIVE. LET THE FUN BEGIN.........
1. Your Name:
2. Age:
3. Favorite position (s)?
4. Do you think I'm hot?
5. Would you have sex with me?
6. lights on or off?
7. Would you have to be drunk?
8. Would you take a shower with me?
9. Have you ever thought about having sex with me?
10. Would you leave after or stay the night?
11. Do you like cuddling afterwards?
12. Condom or skin?
13. Do you give Oral pleasures?
14. Do you like to receive Oral Pleasures?
15. Have sex on the first date?
16. Would you kiss me during sex?
17. Do you think I would be good in bed?
18. Threesome?
20. How many times would you like to cum?
21. Would you use me as a booty call?
21. Can I use you as a booty call?
22. Do you like foreplay?
23. What is foreplay to you?
24. Can we take pictures of the act?
25. Phone number?
26. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?
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Obama's First Six Months' Accomplishments ~ can this country survive the rest of his term?????
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Posted:Aug 2, 2009 11:32 am
Last Updated:Sep 12, 2009 7:25 am
9010 Views
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1. Offended the Queen of England.
2. Bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia.
3. Praised the Marxist Daniel Ortega.
4. Kissed Socialist Hugo Chavez on the cheek.
5. Endorsed the Socialist Evo Morales of Bolivia.
6. Sided with Hugo Chavez and Communist Fidel Castro against Honduras.
7. Announced we would meet with Iranians with no pre-conditions while they're building their nuclear weapons.
8. Gave away billions to AIG also without pre-conditions.
9. Expanded the bailouts.
10. Insulted everyone who has ever loved a Special Olympian.
11. Doubled our national debt.
12. Announced the termination of our new missile defense system the day after North Korea launched an ICBM.
13. Released information on U.S. intelligence gathering despite urgings of his own CIA director and the prior four CIA directors.
14. Accepted without comment that five of his cabinet members cheated on their taxes and two other nominees withdrew after they couldn't take the heat.
15. Appointed a Homeland Security Chief who identified military veterans and abortion opponents as "dangers to the nation."
16. Ordered that the word "terrorism" no longer be used and instead refers to such acts as "man made disasters."
17. Circled the globe to publicly apologize for America's world leadership.
18. Told the Mexican president that the violence in their country was because of us.
19. Politicized the census by moving it into the White House from the Department of Commerce.
20. Appointed as Attorney General the man who orchestrated the forced removal and expulsion to Cuba of a 9-year-old whose mother died trying to bring him to freedom in the United States.
21. Salutes as heroes three Navy SEALS who took down three terrorists who threatened one American life and the next day announces members of the Bush administration may stand trial for "torturing" three 9/11 terrorists by pouring water up their noses.
22. Low altitude photo shoot of Air Force One over New York City that frightened thousands of New Yorkers.
23. Sent his National Defense Advisor to Europe to assure them that the US will no longer treat Israel in a special manner and they might be on their own with the Muslims.
24. Praised Jimmy Carter's trip to Gaza where he sided with terrorist Hamas against Israel.
25. Nationalized General Motors and Chrysler while turning shareholder control over to the unions and freezing out retired investors who owned their bonds. Committed unlimited taxpayer billions in the process.
26. Passed a huge energy tax in the House that will make American industry even less competitive while costing homeowners thousands per year.
27. Announced nationalized health care "reform" that will strip seniors of their Medicare, cut pay of physicians, increase taxes yet another $1 trillion, and put everyone on rationed care with government bureaucrats deciding who gets care and who doesn't.
Bloomberg: Daschle says, "Health care reform will not be pain free. Seniors should be more accepting of the conditions that come with age instead of treating them," while former Colorado Governor Dick Lamm says seniors have "a duty to die."
If this does not sufficiently raise your ire, just remember that the President, Senators and Congressmen have their own special gold plated health care plan which is guaranteed the remainder of their lives and they are not subject to this new law if they pass it.
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Damn Moths ....
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Posted:Jul 21, 2009 8:44 am
Last Updated:Jul 21, 2009 2:15 pm
8126 Views
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A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, “Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!” So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you naked ?” he asks.
“Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you.”
“Okay.” the man replies “I’ll go get ready.”
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
“Who the hell are you ?!” the man asks.
“I’m from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.”
The husband exclaims, “But you are naked!”
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says…
“Those little bastards!”
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Tickling the funny bone ....
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Posted:Jul 21, 2009 8:40 am
Last Updated:Jul 21, 2009 5:27 pm
8133 Views
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"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
*******
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
*****
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
*************
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
1) After a year, the is still excited to see you.
2) A only takes a couple of months to train.
**************
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her. Pity her.
*************
My husband said he wanted more space.
So I locked him outside.
************
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
*************
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
**************
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she.
***************
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"
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There is a moral in there some place .......
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Posted:Jul 21, 2009 8:35 am
Last Updated:May 27, 2024 8:9 am
8086 Views
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I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me......It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister! Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our . Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Proud to be a Redneck .... Ya'll
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Posted:Jul 20, 2009 3:00 pm
Last Updated:Jul 23, 2009 3:22 pm
8533 Views
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We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya ’ll are.
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays..
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
IF you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about above ... feel free to copy & repost it as well as hollar YYYYEEEEEEEHHHAAAAAAWWWWWWWW!
God Bless the USA !
Keep the fire burning, redneck friend.
IF YOU DON'T STAND BEHIND OUR TROOPS FEEL FREE TO STAND IN FRONT OF THEM .... IN GOD WE TRUST
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Dear Wife ..... {gotta love it}
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Posted:Jul 19, 2009 12:25 pm
Last Updated:May 27, 2024 8:9 am
8190 Views
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Dear wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
_______________________________________________________________________________
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
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I read .....
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Posted:Jul 9, 2009 4:28 pm
Last Updated:Jul 15, 2009 10:04 pm
8574 Views
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Never Argue with a Woman
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
And begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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