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This blog contains content not approved for consumption by children, senators, religious leaders and/or other easily damaged psyches, those seeking to enhance or establish political careers and/or possessed of delusions of grandeur. If accidentally exposed, flush eyes with cold water and induce vomiting. If irritation persists, sit quietly and watch PBS. Not for internal use. This blog and its related post's are GUARANTEED not to make you go blind, masturbate (and THEN go blind), become a social liability, induce you to act out atrocities that you would otherwise never indulge in, or burn eternally in hell. Mccartney2003 accepts NO responsibility for any and all random acts of stupidity or violence committed by losers who may blame popular blogs and/or sugary snack foods for causing their inherent basic lack of control. You're on your own. Thank you and good night.
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How to save the airlines. A serious plan that could turn the tide.
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Posted:Aug 18, 2005 10:11 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2596 Views
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I myself worked for two major airlines for many years. As a former member of that work field I was thinking of some great ideas to save the sinking ship. Everyone knows airlines are going chapter 11 all over the place. I have sent out these wonderful ideas to the CEO's of all the various major worldwide airlines and have not got a reply except for one. Man, I tell you the bright folks are always ignored. Oh well, Areo Mexico credit me when you use these.
Make fat people pay for two seats like Southwest does.
Also make ugly people pay for two seats.
Sell off spare jet engines in SkyMall.
Until further notice, the in-flight movie will be Krull.
In the event of an emergency, there will be a $4 charge for oxygen masks. Exact change is appreciated.
Out: union mechanics. In: duct tape.
To save fuel, have pilots get up to cruising altitude and then cut the engines and glide the rest of the way.
Require John Kerry to check his hair if there is no space for it in the overhead bins.
Implement a strict "no hijacking" policy.
Regardless of destination, all flights will connect through Denver.
Allocate one bag of peanuts per flight to be shared among the entire coach cabin.
Try to cut down on the gross mismanagement.
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Shopping at Wally World
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Posted:Aug 18, 2005 10:03 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2366 Views
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The checkout clerks are picketing the local Wal-Mart. Don't they realize they are already on the brink of being replaced by robotic checkout drones?
I for one can't wait for the day in which I am able to complete my weekly grocery transaction without having to stare a human being in the eye and say, "That's right, sir or madam, I wish to purchase 10 pounds of bacon and as much grain alcohol as I can carry. No, I'm not having a party why do you ask?"
I guess I'm just saying that this maybe isn't the best time for the checkout clerks to rock the boat and, you know, make the robots mad.
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A.W.O.L. Masseur_0 have you seen this man?
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Posted:Aug 18, 2005 9:54 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
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Last seen with a case of mescal on a Harley with a red head that could suck start a B-52 bomber.
He was running from the cops with a devils grin and a Colt 1911 on his hip and a IPOD playing "Big girls are best" by U2 thru his ear phones.......
Masseur_0................
The road warrior.........
Masseur_0
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A open question for all Black Flirting members please awnser.
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Posted:Aug 18, 2005 9:47 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2533 Views
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Cynical? Should I be more so? I am curious as when I was posting mostly cynical topics and such I had alot of traffic here in my blog.
I meet a wonderful girl and talk about it and the traffic died.
Is it because I am taken?
Did I become too boring?
Am I not posting enough?
Am I not cynical enough?
Please do awnser I am curious to find out....
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A reply to scammers.
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Posted:Aug 18, 2005 9:41 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2305 Views
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The other day I found this in my Sent Items it was a reply that I drunkenly made to one of those "we have millions of dollars for you if you give us your bank account number" people in Africa.
To: (E-mail withheld for Black Flirting)
Subject: Re: Soliciting
Dear Barrister Agbahede:
Tell me more! I'm intrigued. It seems obvious how, given that you can't find the next of kin, I am the next person you would contact. It makes perfect sense, when you think about it.
So, Barrister Agbahede, go ahead and send me the 14.6 "m." You can send it directly to my email address, right? That would be super, thanks. And, hey, keep a small percentage for yourself. Get yourself something nice, like a refreshing beverage or a less obvious scam.
I'll look you up next time I'm in Nigeria.
kisses,
Joseph
The funny part is: I had no memory of sending it. I am a winner! And apparently I proof read even when blind drunk. As for why I was checking email in such a state your guess is as good as mine. Like I said: winner.
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Push my buttons..............
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Posted:Aug 17, 2005 9:36 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2356 Views
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I think they should make it so if you press an elevator button that's already lit, it goes off. This would serve two purposes.
First, it would allow a rider to cancel a button pressed in error.
Second, it would thwart those A-personality types who enter the elevator and press the button for their floor even when it's already lit. This would obviously be the greatest boon of the technology, because, as we all know, those people are totally fuc*ing annoying.
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Traffic jams YEE HAW!
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Posted:Aug 17, 2005 5:01 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2363 Views
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I got stuck in traffic the other day. Sitting there at a complete standstill, and at a loss for anything better to do, I started counting carpool lane cheater. At one point six singly-occupied vehicles in a row zoomed past me.
Apparently they've just given up on HOV lane enforcement. I don't really blame them, considering the number of violators. And, in a way, it's kind of nice that all the aggressive drivers self-select themselves out of traffic and into the HOV lane. But, still, the Department of Transportation ought to do something.
That's why I propose they simply rename the HOV lane the "A*shole Lane." That more accurately describes its contents now anyway. Furthermore, drivers should have to apply a bumper sticker reading "I AM AN A*SHOLE" to their SUVs to indicate that they are an authorized user of the lane.
It will be nice to have all the a*sholes clearly labelled. And hey: if we can get them all into a single lane, those of us in regular traffic will only have to contend with, like, a dozen cars on our morning commute.
Speaking of which ...
Last week on the freeway I got stuck behind one of the few idiots not in the asshole lane. Indeed, he was in the far right lane, and since I intended to take the next exit I had no choice but to follow him. The guy was in a pickup, travelling about 15 miles per hour under the speed limit, and completely preoccupied with something other than driving. He kept leaning way over to the right, so far down that I couldn't even see his head anymore, as if he were reading fine print off of a clipboard lying on the seat next to him, or giving a blowjob to his imaginary passenger. During these periods he would drift wildly, and when he occasionally popped his head back up he would abruptly wrestle the vehicle back into his lane before disappearing again.
As we reached the off-ramp he again began to drift rightward, well out his lane. In fact, he was heading straight for the median between the freeway and the exit. In my mind's eye I could see him slamming into the barrier at his oh-so-pokey 40 MPH and I was thrilled at the image.
Then I snapped out of my reverie and reached for my horn to warn him, just as his head popped up and he frantically jerked the truck to the left, missing the median by a couple of feet.
But, still: totally wishing death on some guy because he'd added forty seconds to my commute.
Dude, what's up with that? And I know that's not the first time I've felt The Evil creeping up on me in the middle of rush hour.
What is it about traffic turns us into rageaholic bastards? Or does it just trick us into revealing our true selves? Suzanne Necker once said "fortune does not change men; it unmasks them." Maybe the same is true of Highway 114.
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Getting older.....
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Posted:Aug 17, 2005 4:49 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2370 Views
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One day I was talking to my Angelina and we started on the topic of music. We were talking about bands and albums we both liked.
As she went on I kept getting lost. I've been out of the music loop from the time my was born. I then went on about the albums and bands I liked. She laughed and said "adult alternitive" WTF? I remember all those hot albums and songs, they were great. The 90's were wonderful. Everyone had a great job, money was good, the music was the most free spirited from of music sence the 1960's. Brand new styles were coming out all the time, people were pushing the limits and making new sounds.
I went down my list naming off bands like Weezer,Oasis,Ocean Colour Scene,Semisonic,Ben Folds Five,Pearl Jam,Nirvana,Foo Fighters,Marcy Playground and ton's more.
She figured I was a Weezer kind of guy.
lol.
I am not bitching, it's just strange how the hot music and bands from back then are now the old fogies. I often find myself listening to the raido and not really getting into the general swing of things with this mew music.
Jeez I am getting old. I sound like my Dad now when it comes to music. And yeah I know, Angelina is 19 and I am 27. Age gap. But hell, music changes over time and who's to blame her for not being into stuff almost 10 years old.
She's still my sweetheart and I am still her adult alternitive listening man.
Oh and like VH1 said.... I love the 90's
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Tuesday. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Posted:Aug 16, 2005 7:43 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2482 Views
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Well today is Tuesday, or at least at the time of writing this it's about to be hump day.
I don't know what's worse, dragging your exhausted and weary hind end into work on a Tuesday or sitting in a office the following day thinking that the week is almost done. Well halfway done. Let's see, Today was a non stop day at class. Test's apon tests. The damn professor wanted the room to be at sub freezing levels with the lights out watching a projector.
Dark + Cold = sleepytime for Joseph.
I actually was falling asleep sitting up.
I kept waking up in time to avoid redecorating my face with the computer desk and keyboard.
The row of people behind me from Africa were shaking do bad the desk's were starting to rattle. I swear I must have Mr. Freeze for a professor or he's Kris Kringle doing a summer job. He kinda looks like old Saint Nick.
Anyhoos, made it thru the day. Rushed home to pick up my from school 45 minutes late,
got bitched at by the school bus driver who I meet. Came home got pissed on by bill collectors, and low and behold one of Satans own came out of the woodwork to bitch me out over the phone. The ex wife, the one who cares less about paying support and more about sticking her nose where it does not belong.
I had a wonderful and warm conversation with her about money and life, and her bitching that she can't survive (even though she clears 875.00 a week after taxes) And how she's going to be late on catching up support. I told her to expect the state to come looking for her soon.
I then made myself have one less telephone in the house do to my Russian,Italian and Irish background all the while making my words ring true and make every sailor in the world beat their chest with pride. I thought I would be inventive though and ran off in German and Italian after English got boring.
I again cursed the Texas Lottery Commision for not letting me break the odd's and win the mega millions, vented about how I have a near empty tank of gas in a gas sucking blazer and not a cent until Friday. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Ok....Ok....I have vented. Breath.....
Slow and deep................................
*OK*
Anyhow, God please bring Friday.
Money, peace and quiet and me being able to see my Angelina again. Who's phone is still off 
While your at it God...That thing about the lottery............
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Longing for the weekend....the last one.
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Posted:Aug 15, 2005 9:45 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2895 Views
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Don't you ever miss that wonderful weekend, the perfect weekend. A weekend of fun and blissful nookie. A weekend spent lounging in a pool with your lover, Eating fancy Italian food, watching movies, Kisses, cuddles, back rubs, watching a 19 yo be totally worn out by you, laying there panting in a pool of sweat and trying to stand up and getting all dizzy from the mind blowing nookie you gave her. I wish I could live that weekend, over and over again. Like Bill Murray in groundhog day. But without all the crap he had to go thru. I would love to be able to do that. Talk about a retirement plan.
Sigh..............
I spent all day at work thinking about it and cursing the lottery commision.
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The lottery strikes again.....
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Posted:Aug 15, 2005 9:16 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2339 Views
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Staff I intend to hire after I win this week's lottery
Crunchberry Rectifier
Because so-called Crunchberries are bigger than the regulation Cap'n Crunch squares, the regulation Crunch tends to fall to the bottom of the box. Thus, the first few bowls consist mostly of Crunchberries, and by the end of the box there are hardly any berries to speak of. The job of the Crunchberry Rectifier will be to ensure that the berries are spread evenly throughout the box for a consistent bowl-to-bowl Crunchberry experience.
Qualifications: Must have advanced degree in breakfast cereal rectification plus at least 3 years experience working with Crunchberries. Lucky Charms experience a plus.
Wealthy Industrialist Crony
I will need cronies with whom to hobknob and form vast right-wing conspiracies.
Qualifications: Must be wealthy industrialist with fervent desire to destroy the environment and starve the poor. Must have own yacht and senator.
Organ Donor
This job consists of hanging out in the guest house until I or one of my wealthy industrialist cronies needs one of your organs.
Qualifications: Must have own internal organs.
Sandworm
Winning the lottery and then buying an expensive car has been done to death. I would prefer to cruise around town on one of those giant sandworms from Dune.
Qualifications: Must be a giant sandworm from the planet Dune with at least 5 years experience devouring anything that moves.
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Victorian classic games....
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Posted:Aug 15, 2005 9:10 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2449 Views
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I am going to suggest some party games you can play if you ever travel back in time to Victorian England:
Laudanum Shooters
Empire-Squandering
Who's Holding My Musket?
Double Elimination Droll-off
Thistle Chafe
Pin the Tail on the Nobleman and Wait Patiently as He Bleeds to Death Because, Due to the Tendency of Royals to Inbreed, He Is Anemic and Also, Handily Enough, Actually has a Tail
I should note here that that last game takes quite a while to complete, depending on pin size, so you should have a member of the underclass mix you a fresh batch of margaritas before getting started.
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Good quotes....
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Posted:Aug 15, 2005 9:03 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2354 Views
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This wine is so bad that Jesus would have turned it back into water.
- Brett Humphrey
There's only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.
- P.J. O'Rourke
Nothing is more precious than teeming, overpopulated, resource-destroying human life.
- The Onion
Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
- Ben Franklin
There's an old saying in Tennessee... "Fool me once... shame on... shame on you... but fool me can't get fooled again."
- George W. Bush
When the people find that they can vote themselves money, that will herald the end of the republic.
- Ben Franklin
Peace, commerce and honest friendship with all nations -- entangling alliances with none.
- Thomas Jefferson
I've never understood people who interpret the Bible literally, and the Constituion loosely.
- Bill Maher
The Baby Boomers may be getting old, but as far as I'm concerned, bashing them never will.
- Ben Boychuk
I, on the other hand, have a degree from the University of Life, a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, and three gold stars from the Kindergarten of Getting the Shit Kicked Out of Me.
- Blackadder
Men, it has been well said, think in herds; it will be seen that they go mad in herds, while they only recover their senses slowly, and one by one.
- Charles Mackay
We can't be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans.
- Bill Clinton
I'm very busy, but only at the cellular level.
- unknown
Legislators are as powerless to abrogate moral and economic laws as they are to abrogate physical laws. They cannot convert wrong into right nor divorce effect from cause.
- John MacKay
Sometimes it seems like everyone has found a human head but me.
- Mimi Smartypants
Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty.
- Wendell Phillips
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To link to this blog (Mccartney2003) use [blog Mccartney2003] in your messages.
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