Reflections of A Man - Amari Soul
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Posted:Oct 9, 2016 5:09 am
Last Updated:Oct 9, 2016 5:23 am
5807 Views
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I was curious looking at the title and having read some snippets.
Mr. Soul isn't telling me anything I don't already know or haven't realised in these 45yrs. But sometimes even we strong women need reiteration on things we already know because we've lived it ... experienced it .... survived it.
Some people think we're disillusioned. Hold on to unrealistic standards. We'd be luckier if we weren't so rigid about what we want in men. We should adapt compromise accept ... but why?
I used to when I liked someone be there all the time. Always putting them before myself because I thought that was what it meant to care. The one thing I have since learnt the hard way is the moment someone believes you need them they stop desiring to be wt you.
Mr. Soul aptly puts it as you read his short succinct chapters ... my take away - don't chase for love. I might feel strongly about some men but I don't want to demand their attention ... they will do all the chasing until I say yup I feel the same way too and suddenly they become inaccessible. The hunt is over.
Then I end up feeling like bloody rubbish for allowing myself to feel affection for someone who only wanted the high of the hunt.
Sorry men of the world ... I might deeply have loved some of you in the past but you taught me you don't care about me on bit. And time and again your brothers have proven they like a challenge ... they like to say they broke down the walls and then they broke me and left.
Now what you have done is really allow me to watch with mild amusement you pull your bag of tricks on me each time ... but I am a veteran of your collective deceit ... I chase no one anymore. You lure me I play along ... then before you stop chasing I disappear ... how does it feel to be played by your own game?
Me being strong is not an option but a necessity because I am just a woman in your eyes not a person.
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Yup This Exists ...
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Posted:Oct 3, 2016 11:49 am
Last Updated:Feb 12, 2017 9:44 am
5581 Views
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Tad pissed realising the accompanying images to explain this rant were removed. Ya great keep encouraging bullies.
**********
So if you don't get what you want insult the woman.
Obviously even the insults are well juvenile by any standard.
2 dick pics and a bod and face you'd think doesn't need an adult site to get laid and an attitude tweak might help.
A sense of birth right privilege or the fact a saggy buttcrack like me is meant to immediately jump to get fucked by this work of art.
If anything I was blunt but not impolite.
But if any of you ladies get turned on by such lack of manners there's a phone number ... which again even though I owe him no kindness, I have blanked out ya can message me ...
A sex site is no excuse to be a dumb prick to the ladies is all am saying. I might be a saggy buttcrack @!@ but ya sorta came across as turd ~^~ dude.
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I Surrender
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Posted:Sep 25, 2016 12:34 pm
Last Updated:Feb 12, 2017 9:44 am
5028 Views
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I have accepted the inevitables
I let go my fears
I surrender to the universe
To be whole again
One must break into a million pieces
To heal
One must hurt
To walk forward
One must fall and pick self up
To grow
One must shed the invisible layers
To succeed
One must believe in self
I who am in despair
I will be me again
Through rebirth
I am better than ever.
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Reaching the end of the line
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Posted:Sep 13, 2016 1:06 pm
Last Updated:Apr 23, 2017 4:48 am
6582 Views
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With no change in unemployment status.
Bank account blocked can't get no money to even abscond from this place leave alone feed my .
Goddammit fucking life do you have to kick me in my teeth every fucking time I think I have my shit together and seeing the light at the end of this endless struggle.
These are the times I tell myself what a stupid woman I am to even think that without being a parasite I can make a difference. Nope if you wanna stand on your own 2feet not sponge off people, cut your coat within the tiny limited fabric life hands you you just fucking get more fucked for trying to stay credible and dignified.
Am almost desperate enough to beg the ex husband who happens to be top raking in moolah to help me out. That would be the ultimate self inflicted humiliation. Begging from a man who said the weren't his and called me an unsatisfying waste of time.
14 damn years I have worked harder than ever to keep this boat from sinking. 1 girl nearly done with high school harbouring big dreams of college ... degree ... job and what does mom do to both of them .. fucked it all up by ending up in the worst goddamn situation .. unemployed.
You have to be in my shoes to understand the implications of unemployed in the UAE. Not good at all.
All these weeks of applying not one single positive offer. My confidence is taking its worst beating now. Am losing my mojo ... I feel depression suffocating me and I fear am losing my will to fight it.
This isn't the first kick in the teeth. But I have always bounced back up ... picked up a new job easily enough. Suddenly am not good enough for any job ... its killing me.
For a miracle a damn miracle in the next 2weeks ... before I lose my mind completely ... the desperation I feel has terrible thoughts running through my head.
I am stronger than this I tell myself ... over and over
This too shall pass
But I hear the voices that I cannot silence baying for blood of another fool.
I am at the end of a precarious treacherous line ....
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Empathy Where Least Expected
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Posted:Sep 9, 2016 4:33 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 2:27 pm
6124 Views
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So I have been on this site a decade now.
One of the things that's kept me here even though am celibate by choice (and I have a hard enough time convincing people it's a fact not mind game) is the variety of people I have interacted with.
Some have become real life friends who keep a close watch on the ups and downs of my journey as a single parent and my challenges in fighting stereotypes of what a brown woman in a big crazy world.
I have to love these men and women for the strength and courage they give me.
Since my move to Dubai 6years ago I have had moments when I honestly thought this is it ... I give up. But this 23rd Aug a week after turning 45, I got terminated from a job I was approached to take on. Against my own better judgement I took it ... between being jobless and having a paycheck to meet my commitments here I embarked on it thinking as usual I will make this work out for me as I have in the past.
Day 1 onwards I quickly realised them hiring me with urgency was more a planned career homicide unrolling. In the 54 days that I worked in this place there wasnt 1 single day how orchestrated everything towards my imminent failure was.
So when on day 54 I was asked to turn up for a performance review 6wks ahead of schedule I knew the worst was about to happen ... on my 3rd week I was told by a colleague you're up for termination - I was incredulous WTF? I havent been even given a job description or role given all the 'you cannot do this that every fucking thing my role should have let me do'
So I knew my days were numbered. I started again looking for opportunities out there but the job market is not great. So when I walked in and they unceremoniously handed me the letter and gave some vague reasons in rapid succession of a minute and timelines that didn't jive - I said no need to explain this decision was made even before I came on board so let's no waste time. Gathered my stuff walked out with as much dignity I could muster given my entire world was collapsing with each step.
I got home cried for a couple of days. Folks from this site asked how I was I told them jobless .. I was surprised how many came forward with suggestions and offered to circulate my cv or set up interviews ... it kinda almost makes you believe that humanity still exists in the big assed crazy world and on adult hook up sites too.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for showing empathy to a complete stranger bolstered my sinking spirit made me laugh and just been there to let me vent my frustration.
May all of you be blessed and find your happy. Back to the job sections and more applications to be sent ... my visa timelines tight, my futures in a bit of a limb but I am the phoenix and I will rise again resplendent with your well wishes.
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Incurable Romantic ....
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Posted:Jun 19, 2016 10:29 am
Last Updated:Apr 23, 2017 4:49 am
7245 Views
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Write rubbish for ourselves since nobody is here to be our muse.
********
Through the colours of the wind
When you feel the breeze against your cheek
Know it is my lips
When a cold runs thru you
Know that my arms encircle you to warm you against me.
When you close your eyes to rest
Know that my head nestles in your chest to hear your heartbeat
My thoughts are with you.
My love is yours
My heart beats to your name
I love you
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Useless Envy
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Posted:Jun 16, 2016 11:10 pm
Last Updated:Apr 21, 2017 9:18 pm
8042 Views
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I am thankful for my blessings.
Come they in whatever form.
But a lesson I learnt the hard way is envy serves no purpose but detriment to your own sanity.
Freeing oneself of envy, one emancipates their soul and unshackles their mind.
Good vibrations find their way in
Life begins to get better.
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Constant Sorrow
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Posted:May 20, 2016 12:01 pm
Last Updated:Apr 21, 2017 9:18 pm
8190 Views
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Shadows eerily upon the walls
Hushed voices in a distance
Sterile
Devoid
Tubes and needles
In puncture bruised veins
Beeps sporadically break the silence
Footsteps
Whispers
A person used to exist
Bright vibrant alive
Mortality mocks
Gloom hangs suffocating
Resonating constant sorrow
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Illogical Logic
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Posted:May 14, 2016 8:27 am
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2016 4:36 am
9174 Views
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Of chatrooms is that despite the fact its meant to be a point people come together to interact we always find the chatroom "gang"
Nearly a year ago I wrote about the same thing. At that time I could not understand why some people just had to be so vile and thrive on it.
A year later I still don't get it and am now frequently targeted by one such group ... although at times it feels like a few individuals with multiple personality disorder talking amongst themselves.
The bullying can get really bad. The use passive aggressive. .. they use repeated myths to living legend ... they use insult ... they character assassinate. All this while playing injured party.
They have they profiles turned off you can't ignore them.
They make endless complaints and get people banned and yet they themselves never do .... makes me think Black Flirting pays these cartoons to create angst.
They would put the CIA FBI Mi5 Mossad KGB agents to shame with they amazing intel on everyone .... forget that the rhetoric is copy paste hour in hour out just change the target and juggle the lines.
They also are highly trained in hacking IP so I can be in Dubai they will say I am someone else someplace else. They know my other avatars ... when I have but 1 and for a celibate they have my deviant sexual history.
Bravo bravo .... we need folks like this to find the terrorists of the world!
While I find it irksome, but bullies who call others bullies don't bother me. I been bullied enough to shrug and laugh about some delusional lonely vile heart on a keyboard miles away thinks their notion of me matters.
But in a world already so unhappy, ... why must these sorts of people bring their bile online. Face your demons not try to fob them off on strangers whose shoes you aren't standing in.
Mitch Albom's 5 people you meet in heaven is something I try to be conscious off in my interactions with known and unknown people. My actions towards a person could be the make or break unconsciously in that person's decisions.
I would hate to meet someone who my thoughtless unkindness contributed to their death. Rather if my kindness and empathy helped someone see a chance to make things better .. that would be a pay it forward for all the support and courage complete strangers have shared with me past present and in the future.
I was feeling tad negative after today's episode but thought sharing it might change my mood and it has ... I believe in being sunshine and smiles to everyone ... even to the haters coz I am not standing in their shoes.
Peace people ... find your happy.
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Imbalance
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Posted:May 12, 2016 8:39 am
Last Updated:Jul 14, 2017 6:50 pm
8473 Views
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On the scales of virginity.
I am Asian brown girl raised with it being drilled into me my virginity defined my value as a human being.
But the fact I was 5 and repeatedly sexually abused till 11 when I told my mom whose reaction then and now has been to blame me for my undesired deflowering by her own brother.
I sometimes regret going to her for help. Instead of protecting me she took to constantly labelling me spoilt product worthy only of discard. And growing up if ever I was seen speaking to a boy, she would say I was equal to a eager to soil myself further.
That period shaped my aversion to sex ... and now celibacy isn't something I torture myself with. I tortured myself to be sexually responsive in the misadventures of life. Now I am at peace with my choices.
Perhaps had I been a boy my life would have been different. Males losing their virginity by choice seems to be acceptable socially than a girl losing it by brute force upon her innocence.
Deflowering of females always seems to be a fantasy of many males. But they carry none of the guilt that society places upon the shoulders of females who did not chose so.
Even as we progress in everything else even in open random sexuality ... somehow a female's promiscuity is more harshly judged than a males.
I wonder how the scales tipped so unfavourably over the ages ... and don't tell me because Eve took the apple ... Adam should have had tad more sense, for that we bear the brunt.
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Half Virgins
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Posted:May 10, 2016 11:24 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2016 5:38 pm
7253 Views
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Take a guess where I heard this from.
My 16yr old comes home one day and says "mommy these fucking in Dubai are seriously fucked up" ... since she's in a class that boast about their teenage orgy and fuck boys and girls ... I was prepared to learn something new.
I calmly said and what happened this time ... she looks at me and says "do you know what a half virgin means?"
Am sitting staring at my laptop thinking wtf is a half virgin and she continues with disgust "it's gross"
Light bulb in my old brain ... I said has it got to do with errrr anal sex? And she's like yeah they only allow anal penetration because their virginity is intact ... we both stare at each other before I start giggling hysterically and she continues "are they fucking stupid or what? Sex is sex you don't need to break your hymen to be devirgined"
Mind you this is my Mommy I'm Gay who says sex and relationships can wait ... she's got goals to achieve (silent Thank You God for sensible daughters).
Still livid at the apperent lack of sense of her classmates she goes off to do homework.
And I am thinking aaah interesting situation. Vaginal virgin but ass fucked before 16. What the hell is wrong with these ? No wonder by 25 they have nothing to experience or look forward to and walk around with depression and self hurt tendencies.
I am not into anal sex and I don't care if someone else is .. their choices. But these days want to be all grown up and do things before their time.
I find it annoying when parents seem to sexualise their interactions wt members of the opposite sex from as young as 3 and 4 ... you are perpetuating the rise in these ill equipped promiscuity.
Wise up folks your innocent looking 'virgin' may not be necessarily so. Half virgin my ass literally!
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Inside Out
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Posted:May 7, 2016 12:33 pm
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2016 10:21 am
6768 Views
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When you been turned inside out ... you're no longer the you people see ... you are forced to review yourself from inside out and then decide if you can deal with your findings.
I am me .. unique imperfect blemished but I am perfect for me.
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Pain
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Posted:May 6, 2016 12:08 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2016 9:13 am
5973 Views
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Pain is coursing through every inch of me
Pain is tearing my heart apart
Pain is paralyzing me with fear
Pain is suffocating like a hangman's rope
Pain is exploding my brain to a million pieces
Pain that will never cease nor desist
Pain that you inflicted as you walked away with no regrets
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To link to this blog (phoenix71rebirth) use [blog phoenix71rebirth] in your messages.
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